Ask me what's the fastest way to hide bullet holes from a living room wall.
-The answer is toothpaste. But for larger calibers, mix a paste of equal parts starch and salt

The trick to cooking lobster is to put them in the water and slowly raise the temperature, creating a painless, yet delicious death. Allow 30 minutes in between turning up the temperature.

The best way to polish copper: half a lemon dipped in salt.

Ask me how to repair stab holes in nightgowns, tuxedos, and hats. Secret is a little clear nail polish on the inside of the puncture.

The way you make candles drip less is easy, soak them in strong salt water. Store in a freezer until ready to use, light the candles with a strand of raw spaghetti.

Green-tinted moisturizer will help hide red, slapped skin. And any gentlemen who's ever been backhanded by a bitch with her diamond ring on should know a styptic pencil will stop the bleeding. Close the gash with a daub of super glue and you're ready for your movie premiere on the red carpet.

Always keep a red washcloth around for wiping up blood, and you'll never have a stain to presoak.

The next time your tooth gets knocked out, save the tooth in a glass of milk until you see the dentist. In the meantime mix some zinc oxide and oil of cloves into a white paste, and it becomes a quick and easy filling that hardens lickety-split.

For all you gals out there having issues; for tear stains on a pillow case, treat them the same way you would a perspiration stain. Dissolve five aspirin in water and daub the stain. Even if theres a mascara stain, problem solved.

To get lipstick out of a collar, rub in a little white vinegar.

For stubborn protein-based stains (aka, semen you crabby cunt) try rinsing with cold salt water, then a usual wash.

Feel free to take notes at any time.

To pick up broken glass from a smashed window or something, you can blot up even the tiniest of shards with a slice of bread. Hah, cool.

Honestly, stop me if you already know all this.

Lobsters have what you'd call an "open" circulatory system where the blood just sloshes around inside the cavities, bathing the different organs.

There's a way to polish chrome with club soda.
To clean the ivory or bone handles on cutlery, rub them with lemon juice and salt.

To get the shine off a suit, dampen the cloth with a weak mixture of water and ammonia, then iron with a damp pressing cloth.

The secret for making perfect boeuf Bourguignon is to add some orange peel.

To remove cherry stains, rub them with a ripe tomato and wash as usual.
-The key is not to panic, cherry molecules can sense fear.

To make pants keep a sharp crease, turn them inside out and rub a bar of soap on the inside of the crease. Turn them right-side out and iron as usual.
-The trick is to keep busy.

To clean the oven, bake a pan of ammonia. If you don't open the window, you are probably going to suffocate fro the smell of baked ammonia.

Another way to put a lasting crease in pants is to dampen your pressing cloth with water and vinegar.